The View from Here

Too Much Excitement

You know I’m a creature of habit and structure and routine. So when I sat down to look at some microfilm yesterday I was not happy to suddenly realize that my nose was bleeding and I would have to leave the library. I don’t like drama. Not a big fan of unusual events. For most of my childhood anything “exciting” was very, very negative and usually ended up with someone in the hospital or jail. But I’ve learned to be calmer in my old age, and lately I’ve been a little more accepting of this new malady of mine. So I didn’t panic. I drove to Durant and did a quick assessment of whether I needed to go to the clinic or drive home. Opted for going home, and by the time I got there my nose was fine. Took my blood pressure. Also fine, at least for me. I’m sure that 155/75 would make some people panic! LOL Rested and did a little reading until Gary got home. I know many of you will understand that I always feel safer once he is home!

I was also anxious to discuss my reading with Gary. He is one of the few people who share my serious interests in local history. Many people are very interested in their own families and local events, but when I start talking about general topics like the impact of slavery on the local Indian missions or the cultural changes brought about by the translation of the Bible into Choctaw, their eyes glaze over. It’s okay. I understand. Anyway, I wanted to share with him that I found an entry in the Bennington records about a man who found it difficult to carry on with his Christian duties during the war. He’s talking about the Civil War!  How intriguing to think about the Civil War in terms of a local person who spent two years afterward trying to repent and return to the fellowship of his church.

The rest of my thoughts are scattered this morning. My daughter is having an MRI to determine the cause of her back pain. I have an appointment to have my foot examined again. Two of my friends are having some health problems and awaiting some answers. Too much excitement…

But today is the last day of February and a reminder that spring is on its way. That’s the kind of excitement I can celebrate!

 

At Least I'm Better Than Most People!

There are a few people out there who don’t like me. I know, I know. I’m as bewildered as you are. What’s not to like? I’m kind, I’m cooperative, I’m hard-working. I try to be the best me I can be.

Okay, I’m a little opinionated, but who isn’t? At least I’m always right.

And I’m always cool, calm, and collected. I never get angry.

Well, at least I don’t yell, curse, or throw things. I don’t make obscene gestures and tell people how utterly clueless and stupid they really are!! I don’t get carried away and create an ugly scene in the Walmart parking lot like that guy I saw last week!

I’m better than most people!

Whew! I even feel better now.

That’s exactly how I used to justify my less-than-perfect actions to my mother…by comparing them to the worst behavior of someone else. No matter what my sin or fault or mistake, I knew someone else had done something worse, and I certainly wanted to remind her that by comparison I was a saint!

I was careful not to actually blame someone else for my behavior. I tried that in the early, early years, as soon as I had a brother to blame for everything. Unfortunately Mom frowned upon lying. But I figured that comparing myself and my actions to someone worse couldn’t hurt my case.

Justification is a slippery slope.

It leads to denial and evasion and repetition. As long as you never acknowledge your mistake and take responsibility for it, you can go on repeating it forever.

Justification probably begins as soon as we can think, but I see it clearly in my classroom.

“He started it.”

 “He made me do it!’

“He said he wouldn’t like me if I didn’t.”

“He was the one that hit him! I just watched!”

I start the school year by carefully explaining to my students that if they get in trouble, the first thing out of their mouth should be “I”, not the name of another student. They can’t explain their actions by telling me what someone else did. They quickly learn, as I did with my mother, that I’m much more impressed by honesty and remorseful admission than by clever comparison or justification.

Taking responsibility for my own actions was a lesson learned by painful trial and error, especially in my teen years. Even as an adult, I sometimes need a reminder when things go wrong.

My mother is gone now. My husband is accustomed to my quirky personality. My friends know that I have my good days and bad, and have decided to like me anyway. The people who don’t like me probably won’t change their minds any time soon. So I’m left to justify my actions to myself and to God. I find that one is much more forgiving than the other.

I fall short each day of the person I want to be, especially when I see others around me who are better, stronger, smarter.  I sometimes say things I regret as soon as they leave my mouth. I voice opinions here that may be hurtful to others, though that is never my intention. I often fail to succeed, or to perform as well as others. I don’t live up to the expectations of friends and family.

But I’m thankful that God only expects me to make the most of the mind and heart and soul He gave to me, not the one He gave to you, or anyone else. I don’t have to compare myself to anyone. I don’t have to have the approval of anyone. I don’t have to defend my actions or my thoughts or my feelings. I just have to listen to God and be the best me I can be. And He is willing to work with me and let me start over and try again and again.

So, I may not really be better than most people…but I try to be a better ME than I was yesterday. And tomorrow…

Pain

I have some friends and family members who live with daily pain.

I, too, suffer from aches and twinges and throbbing sensations that often interfere with what I want to accomplish.

It wasn’t until recently, during the weeks of managing with a broken toe, that I was reminded of how overwhelming pain can become…how it can affect everything you do and wear and even think. I have been in a couple of previous situations, after accidents, when I understood how people become seriously depressed and turn to drugs or alcohol for relief and comfort.

One has only to watch television for a short time to know that we are a society in pain. Drug companies offer pills for anything and everything that hurts or harms. Headache, backache, fibromyalgia, and arthritis seem to be our current concerns. And if you are willing to risk the side effects there is a drug for each.

However, it is the vague, undiagnosed and sometimes untreatable pain that plagues us the most. I am amazed by the number of people I know personally who suffer from something that baffles their doctor. I always thought of medicine as an exact science, but I have come to understand that much of it is a guessing game played by an educated and informed competitor. Yes, the doctor has trained and studied. He has seen thousands of patients. He has a dozen tests he can order. But he may still listen to you and examine you and say, “I don’t know.” Tests and consultations with other doctors may also be “inconclusive”. I once went two years in excruciating pain and spent seven weeks in bed before a doctor agreed to do surgery on my back. I felt better within days!

Oklahoma was recently listed as one of the major users and abusers of prescription drugs. I know that some of that is “recreational”, but I also know that much of it is used for pain relief. Until we find some answers for chronic pain, people will do what they feel they need to do to survive. Until we treat pain with the same respect that we afford major illnesses and conditions people will turn to drugs for relief. That’s not an excuse, just a reality.

I think we should demand that our doctors pay more attention to our pain and give us more respect in treating it. I also think we should be kinder and more understanding of those around us who suffer.

Pray today for those in pain.

My Boring Life...

My son always asks me if there is anything “new and exciting” going on in Caddo or in my life. Usually the answer is “no”, and I’m glad.  I just muddle through my boring life and thank God for it! I never was a drama queen and I much prefer the calm and security of doing my usual activities in my usual way. So here is what I can report to him this week.

Feeling better now that I have decided my current problems are indeed caused by allergies. Zyrtec, cough drops, caffeine, and determination should get me through the pollen wars.  Still working on tweaking my diet and eating the healthiest food I can find each day. Still not losing much weight, but that wasn’t my primary goal.

Spring is arriving in fits and spurts: cold one day, warm the next. The daffodils are blooming, the trees are budding, the birds are singing. My yard is visited each day by the usual critters.  I’m attempting to do a little spring cleanup and preparation for gardening.

School is still my favorite place, so I continue to go there and do what I can to educate our future leaders. Spring is a busy time at school. Much left to do and only nine weeks to do it. Time to transition these students to the next grade level. Time to plan ahead for curriculum changes to be implemented over the next two years.

I’m reading Divided Hearts- The Presbyterian Journey through Oklahoma History. It is an eye-opening account of the relationships between the church, its missionaries and the Indians. We tend to think of the Catholics as the conquerors of the New World, but it was the Presbyterians who actually had the most influence here in the early 1700s and 1800s. And I am once again amazed by the contributions of our own local people to the progress made in Oklahoma. Of course the church, the missions, and the locals also have a dark history and much of it is difficult to imagine in light of today’s religious freedoms.

Working on some projects for the genealogy library.

Hoping our spring break in March is a glorious week of gardening and photography.

My boring life…and loving every minute of it!

 

Sick and Tired

I have been sick since yesterday afternoon. I don’t care what label we put on my current condition- allergy or cold- just make it go away. I don’t like it. Sneezing, coughing, and aching are not how I planned to spend the weekend. And I was so tired yesterday that I took two naps. Not productive! Must feel better today. Okay, at least by tomorrow. Coffee, anti-histamine, cough drops, Tylenol, and rest are part of my new plans. Later…

 

Bloom Where You Are Planted

I am still surprised sometimes by my journey through life. I find myself driving home from work thinking about how different my life is now from the one I imagined when I was a teenager. Someone posted a little sign on FB about God’s answers to our prayers:

1. Yes  

2. Not yet  

3. I have something better in mind.  

 

For the most part my life has been about #2 with a generous helping of #3. And I have been ever so grateful that there haven’t been more “yes” answers, because sometimes my requests were just stupid. We often forget that our plans for our life are made within the limitations of our knowledge and experience. Think about that for a while and you will realize it is profound. Why do we ever think we can outsmart God with a brain he created in the first place? And why would we want to limit ourselves to what we can conjure up with it?

When I was young, one of my frustrations was our constant moving. I would just get comfortable with a group of people and a school and a town and off we would go to another one. I remember once I got elected as class secretary and had to turn it down because Mom had told me the day before that we would be moving in three months. I pouted a bit, and complained a lot, but Mom always seemed to have an answer for everything, and her advice about moving was always the same: “bloom where you are planted”.

It never occurred to me until I was an adult that moving might also be frustrating and inconvenient for my mother. She was not what you would call “social” and had few women friends. I remember only two who were significant during our early years before my parents “settled down” back in Oklahoma. But mom always seemed to make a home, join a church, find the library, and plant a garden no matter where we moved to or how long we stayed. There was security in our lifestyle if not in our location. And she never seemed to question God’s wisdom, only her own. She didn’t waste a lot of time on “what if”, but got busy with making the most of what we had.

I often shared my life plans with my mother and she would just smile that wise smile of hers. I wanted twelve children and I was certainly going to raise them in one town- a very big town- and I was also going to be a high school English teacher and a famous writer. I would never, ever dig in the dirt or work outside and I would stay thin and beautiful and wear designer clothes. I even knew at one point that I would drive a red car! And a rich husband was a given.

I sounded like a silly school girl, and I was…but some people never seem to grow up and the essence of their plans and prayer requests seems just as silly. I listen to people who want something better and want to be somewhere else and want to do something different. All well and good. But sometimes it is also good to do the best you can where you are with what you have. Bloom where you are planted and let God take care of the harvest.

Thankfully my own life plans were adjusted by someone with more knowledge and experience than my own and I am eternally grateful for the way things have turned out.

 

Early to bed...

8:30! I was exhausted last night and Gary was already dozing on the couch, so we decided to just go to bed. We laughed about the times in our youth when we would have been headed out the door to a party or movie or other event. And I have to work late tomorrow night, so I’d better find some more energy! But most of our days are long: 4am to 9:30pm, so I don’t mind turning in a little early now and then. I try to be satisfied with whatever I can accomplish on any given day and not think back to the times when I could do more.

Sleep, or the lack thereof, is a common topic these days. I’m surprised by the number of people who can’t fall asleep, can’t stay asleep, and/or can’t sleep soundly, at least not without medication. My husband has had difficulty with sleep for several years, so I understand the consequences and medical implications. I sympathize with those of you who suffer the same.

When I was a child I could sleep anywhere, and often did. I grew accustomed to napping under grape vines, or in the car, or on the floor at a friend’s house. I could close my eyes and be gone in minutes.

I could also awaken without alarms. If Dad wanted to get up at 2am to embark on a trip I was sure to be awake five minutes before that, ready to go. If I had to be up at 6am I was usually tiptoeing around until my mother’s alarm sounded. My internal clock has always served me well.

However, as I get older I find that falling asleep is not always within my control. LOL I can’t tell you how many television programs I miss because I fall asleep as soon as I’m sitting still! Thankfully, I usually only need about thirty minutes of napping, so I can get a few more things done before bedtime.  Gary always informs me that I’ll have to see the ending of the show during summer reruns. Hard to believe that we used to watch Johnny Carson’s monologue before going to bed!

I guess there are benefits to sleeping a few more minutes, because I feel great this morning. Maybe 8:30 isn’t such a bad idea…at least until daylight saving time begins again.

Happy Birthday...Again

When I was four years old I got this crying puking, stinky baby for my birthday! I have to admit that at first it was sort of like getting underwear for Christmas. “I’ve been good for four years and this is the thanks I get? This is my reward?” However, as he learned to laugh and talk I changed my mind. He became much more fun and he was a great audience for a few years. Then he decided, like most males, that he was bigger, stronger, and smarter than any girl. Our relationship after that was like a roller coaster ride. As adults we have become friends, and I might even concede that he is bigger and stronger. Smarter is still open for debate. However, in hindsight he definitely was a great present! Happy Birthday brother!

 

It's All About Me!

Yes, that old lady in the mirror is me today. 62. Get over it! Get on with it!

62 is the new….well anyway.

“I have promises to keep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

And miles to go before I sleep.”

Hope you have a great day! I plan to!

Super Saturday

It was dreary and drizzly for most of yesterday, but Gary and I set out to have a super Saturday anyway and we did just that. We started with a trip to Caddo to get the mail and visit with Belinda at Craighead’s. I got a cute elephant pin in the mail- a birthday gift from my friend Mary Jim. There were also several lovely birthday cards in my box! Thank you!

Always a delight to visit Craighead’s. Belinda is busy changing out her merchandise to get ready for spring. And she informed me that two more of my books sold this week. Oh, and be sure to check out the wonderful picture she has on display!! It’s a big canvas version of a photo taken by Dick Carson. Beautiful!

Off to Texas to shop. We stopped at JCP and bought a new watch for Gary. I don’t wear a watch anymore. I have several, but none has graced my wrist in years. They give me a rash! I’ve just learned to rely on the various clocks around and if I need to I can carry one in my pocket for recess.

I was intrigued by the spring clothes offered at JCP! Right out of the late sixties, early seventies. In fact, I would swear one of the long flower print dresses belonged to my Aunt Betty. My one complaint is the fabrics. I hate, hate, hate the feel of some of them. I guess I’m OCD about wearing cotton.

On to my favorite store- Hobby Lobby! HL has ALL of the unnecessary decorative stuff you never knew you needed. LOL I bought gifts for three people and a cute sign to hang outside my classroom door. I’m not really a “hobby-craft” person anymore, but I occasionally paint something or crochet something, so I’m still eager to look around. And I buy single packs of construction paper at HL because I always need more brown or green or red than we get in the multi-packs the children bring.  HL has lots of garden decorations and something for every holiday. You can count on HL to be at least three holidays ahead of schedule! I was a little surprised that they didn’t have anything out for the 4^th of July yet!

Books a Million! Bought Jean Auel’s new book, “The Land of Painted Caves”, and a couple of gift books for family members.

Lunch at Jalapeño Tree. Yes, I had the shrimp enchilada. Just one. It’s actually a cheese enchilada with grilled shrimp on top. Too much salt…but we only eat at a restaurant about once a month. I guess I can tolerate a little extra now and then.

Home to order two books from Amazon. I’m getting “Divided Hearts: The Presbyterian Journey Through Oklahoma History”, and “Historic Photos of Oklahoma” for my birthday. Yes, I’m a strange woman.

Coffee and my puzzle for part of the afternoon.

Short nap.

Typed more of the Bennington Church records.

Watched the ducks swim in the rain.

Super!