Weary

I’m tired this morning.

Tired of the rain.

Tired of leaks.

Tired of flooding.

Tired of wondering whether I’ll be able to get out of the driveway.

Tired of this unbelievably slow internet connection.

Tired of “fixing things”. (This morning I discovered a light fixture is dangerously loose. I told my husband I don’t want to be the handyman, I want to call one.)

Tired of being fat.

Tired of being a disappointment to my children.

That last one has been heavy on my mind in recent weeks. My children all think I’m “behind the times”, “technologically challenged”, “old fashioned”, and “Okie” (a term that covers many faults). Add to that the fact that I’m fat and not aging well, I live in an old house that doesn’t even belong to me, I’m a terrible cook, and I have no fashion sense…I’m surprised I even get out of bed in the morning.

When my daughter visited recently, I spend one sleepless night worrying about what a terrible impression we must have made on our grandchildren. I’m sure that in comparison with their other grandparents we seem like aliens. I imagined them wanting to jump back on the plane and head back to the real world! (As the days passed I quit worrying and just concentrated on enjoying their time with me.)

I suppose some of this sounds self-pitying and ridiculous, but I remember my own visits to my parents and grandparents over the years. Only my Grandma Bea, who lived in the same town, seemed like us. Everyone else lived a lifestyle I couldn’t quite understand. Even as an adult I remember being critical of my mother’s house and cooking and clothes. Little did I know that would come back to haunt me in the middle of the night!

I guess most of us don’t think much about how we live our daily lives- the food we eat, the music we listen to, the television shows we watch, the clothes we wear, the friends we have- until someone comes along who sees them in a new light and asks “why?”. We all want to please the ones we love and live up to their expectations of us. However, we have to keep our perspective about the natural differences between generations and between personalities. We can’t change to the point of losing ourselves.

I take comfort in the fact that I eventually learned to appreciate my parents and my grandparents and other “strange” relatives in my life. My mother was intelligent and curious and creative, and she persevered during some extraordinary experiences that might have destroyed other people. I like to think that the distance between us was only in miles. My grandmother Della was a hard-working, funny, kind woman who always knew how to cheer me up and encourage me. I lived far away from her for most of my life, but we still managed to have a strong bond. What held us together was not our differences, but our love.

I have a sign here above my desk that I’m sure you’ve seen. It says “A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove…but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.” I’ve always thought of that in the context of education, but I hope that it is true of my own children and my grandchildren. I hope I have some traits that transcend the petty differences in our daily lives and make a lasting impression on them.

As I write this it is still raining. It has rained for days and days and days. This is a test! And I know that my life is blessed compared to others who have lost loved ones and property and time at work because of the rain. So I’d best quit complaining and get on with my day! That’s the secret…be weary, wallow a little, then get over it and get going. Life is too short to waste in self-doubt and pity.

Some notes before I close:

I posted a story to “Stories Too Long”. (Link on the left.)

I saw a coyote this morning! I was on the front porch and he walked behind the cars. I said to my cat “What’s that?” and the coyote actually stopped and turned to look at me before running off.

My daughter made a beautiful new banner for my blog. She is a “scrap-booking master” and creates some wonderful stuff. Now if I can just figure out how to post it you will eventually get to see it! LOL   

Comments

[Katrina]

Ok, this is your daughter talking. You know, the one who visited recently? Who spent sleepless nights worrying that you'd think that my children were spoiled & high maitenance, stressing about the 20lbs that I've gained over the past year, and worried that you wouldn't approve of me? Yeah, that one.

We tease you about not being able to cook & not being computer saavy b/c you are SO GOOD AT SO MANY THINGS THAT IT'S INTIMIDATING!!!

Oh, and in comparison to their other grandparents - you're interesting, creative, artistic, funny, and loving. You take the time to talk TO them instead of ABOUT them. Wait, you've met their other grandparents...what in the heck are you worried about??

Oh, and I can't wait to tell the kids about the coyote!